+++Initiative

+++What conveniance! I found a headline that is German and English at the same time.
So yeah, I am back home. For some days now. Things have happened in a way and speed, that it will take me some time to digest this week. Geez, if it goes on like this...
For example on sunday I got back together with Amelia. It was just as weird and as romantic as the first time we got together even though it is different this time. Both of us had more or less successful relationships in between, bringing me in a situation where I feel inferior, because of my pathetic lack of experience compared to her. This time didn't do any good to her, she began smoking, lost a lot of weight... did it change me at all? Am I the same guy, still giving everything?
Do I still WANT to give all I got to make this work?
There is something, that bothers me, but I can't put the finger on it. Like a splinter in my gums, painfull, annoying, but I just can't get it out.

Furthermore, I have been preparing myself for everything that comes next. School, work, everything. Of course, you can never be prepared for life. But I at least wanted to give it a shot.

+++Wie schön es doch ist, dass ich eine Überschrift finden konnte, die sowohl deutsch als auch englisch ist.
Tja, ich bin wieder zuhause. Und das auch schon für ein paar Tage. Ein paar Dinge sind mittlerweile passiert, auf einer Art und in einer Geschwindigkeit, dass es mich eine Weile brauchen wird, diese Woche zu verdauen. Oh mann, wenn das so weiter geht...
Zum Beispiel bin ich seit Sonntag wieder mit Amelia zusammen. Es war genau so merkwürdig und romantisch wie beim ersten Mal, als wir zusammen gekommen sind, auch wenn es diesmal ganz anders ist. Wir hatten beide mehr oder weniger erfolgreiche Beziehungen in der Zwischenzeit, was mich in eine Situation bringt, in der ich mich ihr gegenüber unterlegen fühle, weil sie einfach diesen Krassen Erfahrungsvorsprung hat. Diese Zeit hat ihr nicht gut getan, sie hat das Rauchen angefangen, hat jede Menge Gewicht verloren... hat es mich denn überhaupt verändert? Bin ich immernoch der selbe Typ, gebe ich immer noch alles? Werde ich immer noch alles tun, damit das funktioniert? WILL ich das überhaupt noch?
Irgendetwas stört mich, aber ich kann nicht genau sagen, was. Wie ein Splitter in meinem Zahnfleisch, schmerzhaft, nervend, aber ich kriege ihn einfach nicht heraus.

Desweiteren versuche ich mich weitestgehend auf alles, was jetzt kommt vor zu bereiten. Schule, Arbeit, alles. Natürlich kann man sich nicht aufs Leben vorbereiten. Aber ich wollte es wenigstens versuchen.

This was it and nothing more.

+++R3boot.

+++Well... I am home. No, wait. I am at the place, where I spent the first 17 years of my life. It doesnt feel "home" at all. It feels like waking up from a fever dream, still beeing totally disoriented from the fever...

The flight was, except for little distractions, an easy and boring event, only interesting thing was Eren, who made me laugh so much, that I had to cry.

Uhm.

Yeah. Thats it. Im gonna go get used to the environment now.

That was it and nothing more.

+++Gentlemen, get on your marks!

+++Surprisingly I am able to eat right now. And I did eat, a lot. On the other hand I can not sleep. But that's allright, I want to sleep on the plane anyways and I can adjust easier to the other time zone that way!
It is freaking hot right now. And still, I will have to wear my parka and my boots tomorrow, just like on the way here, because there was no way I could possibly fit either one of them into my suitcases.

Things got wrapped up pretty quickly these days.
On wednesday there was this good-bye-party thing from church where everyone said how much I inspired them. Casey for example will learn German for my sake and started doing calligraphy, after seeing me do it.
And everyone asked me to come back some day, that made up pretty much for tuesday, I guess.
Today, or more yesterday, for it is after 12, we went to El Grecco, the restaurant where we ate the very first day to close the circle-sort of speak.

I wish I had a good book that I could read now to make me tired, but all my books are in suitcases and I am afraid to open them, because I dont know if I would be able to close them again. Also I can not really open them either... scary.

Anyhow, it is just 8h 30min until my plane leaves Milwaukee. Holy crap, that is just way too fast.
It all feels just like a fever-dream, somewhat real but with this terrifying element of weirdness, complete with the fast-forward thing going on.
Today was absolutely surreal. I felt like I just got here, like I was tired, because I just got off the plane. So odd.

Interesting thing is, that I made it to have contact to Scott again. Not much, not often, but he responds to stuff I write him again. That is a little victory, I guess.


How to go on with this blog though? My plan for now is that I will blog bilingual, once I am fluent in German again... well it's not like my German is horrible, but it doesn't satisfy me at this point.

Well guys, it's all been fun and games, until someone lost their German...


That was it and nothing more.
Nevermore.

+++It's not like I am leaving or anything...

+++... wait. Yes, it is!
Hey, that's funny. You know, today is my birthday? You didn't? Doesn't matter. It's only my 18th, only the date that I turn into an official adult. But who gives a shit, right?

I invited a bunch of people to see me at applebee's and a big deal of em replied, that they would come. Matthew was the only one. Thanks, fuckers, for telling me so directly that I am not worth shit to you.
Well, at least I don't have to bother missing anyone.
Funny how people beg me, never to forget them. Okay, can do. But in that case I also wont forgive. Hypocrites.

That was it and nothing more
Nevermore.

+++Packed.

+++Im packed with emotions and I don't know what to do with them. My bags are packed and everything fits, even with my sloppy packing style. I am surprised.
Well not so much, because I am leaving a lot of stuff behind, which makes me wonder, why did I bring it in the first place?!
But that's nobodies fault. Mom.

Jason pisses me off a lot right now. He is just menstruating around, calling me a pussy, because I don't want to go streaking with him.
I think therefore I am not going to go to the bonfire tonight. Maybe I am just going to do something with someone else. Or just sleep. I could use that. I could use a lot of things. For example someone, who does not go on my nerves right now. Margaret is a clean-nazi right now. Keith is just not there and when he is he seems kinda... distant, Abigail is just getting the first boosts of pubertic-testosterone and has her issues...

I have now spent half-day in bed. Right now I don't have any reason to change anything about it. Well I probably should shower, last week-end I was unable to shave and I have to do that too.

Why I was unable to shave? That's easy.
We were down in Missouri with Keith's parents for their 50th anniversary. I was forbidden to have political or religious debates, for the simple reason that that would have caused a riot. I really had to bite my tongue, especially when it came to homosexuals or the war.
But hey, what do I know, I am just the foreigner. Just smile, nod and say "hey, how are you?", when they introduce you to someone. Yeah, I am 6'5''. Yeah, I speak English better than some native speakers. Yeah, we speek German in Germany. No, Hitler really is dead.

On the way back (10 hour drive) we passed towns, that had names, which alone were explanation why nobody wanted to live there. But we also passed towns like "Sparta" and "Salem" or huge rocks, that looked like remainders of ancient civilations, so old that no man would recognize, that intelligent beeings could have build them.

The elder ones have been here, with their cone-shaped bodies and their claws and their clicking noises...

Well thats about it.
I am going on my own nerves right now. I need someone to talk to that is not myself and does not annoy me.
Someone.

This was it and nothing more
Me

+++Im spooked.

+++My head is aching. My stomache is revolving. I feel dizzy. You wonder why? You want to know why? I got a letter from YFU. Travel information and my tickets. It's official. I'm leaving.
I'm leaving everything behind. Dang, that's just... woah. I've just read through it, bringing up memories from my flight here up. Ugh. I feel horrible. All that excitement kills me, just like at that weird Thursday that was determined to change my life forever. Was it a thursday? Yes, I remember it was. I remember so much, like how I was trying to throw up in Heeßel, but couldn't, or how nervous everyone was. I was so pale. And I remember chocolate. Lots of it. I ate it all on the transatlantic flight, because I had been unable to eat. Hopefully this time it wont be as bad.

But still, I'm spooked.

+++Lichtblick. (Scroll down, if you don't understand this for the translation.)

Schandmaul - Lichtblick

Ich schritt auf verschlungen Pfaden
durch den großen, dichten Wald
ich hatte schwere Last zu tragen
und der Tag war bitterkalt.
Düster auch der Sinne wegen
einsam war mein junges Herz
denn daheim war keine Liebste
die da lindert meinen Schmerz.

Da plötzlich an verborgner Kreuzung
eilt sie wie der Wind vorbei.
Ein Lichtblick einer Schönheit, zart das Wesen, weiß das Kleid.

Seitdem komm' ich Tag für Tag,
hoffe, sie erneut zu sehen,
sie zu treffen, sie zu küssen,
doch ich hätt es wissen müssen.

Es war nur der Moment,
der Augenblick
dann war's vorbei
Ich ließ sie ziehen
und ich werde sie nie wieder seh'n.

Nur der Moment, ...(x2)

So wallend lang das schwarze Haar
so süß und weiß, so rein die Haut
ein Anblick, der mich schaudernd lässt
mein Herz schlägt wild, mein Herz schlägt laut
vom Schlag gerührt mit offnem Mund,
sprachlos mit ganz weichen Knien
die Last am Rücken wird so leicht, wie die Wolken, die da zieh'n.

Doch nur ein Augenblick, sie ist vorbei und meinem Blick entschwunden
bin gelähmt, kann mich nicht rühr'n, bin wie am Boden festgebunden.

Seitdem komm' ich tag für Tag,
hoffe sie erneut zu seh'n,
sie zu treffen, sie zu küssen, doch ich hätt' es wissen müssen

Es war nur der Moment,...(x3)

(Solo!)

Es war nur der Moment,...(x2)

ENGLISH TRANSLATION:

I walked on interlaced paths
through the big, thick forest
I had heavy loads to carry
and the day was bitterly could.
Dark also because of my senses
lonesome was my young heart
because at home was no darling
that could cure my pain.

There out of sudden at the hidden cross-ways
she passed like the wind
A blink of light, of beauty; soft her beeing, white her dress.

Ever since I come day for day
hope to see her again
to meet her, to kiss her,
but I should have known

It was just that moment
just the blink of an eye
then it was over
I let her go
and I wont see her again.

Just that moment... (x2)

So undulating long the black hair,
so sweet, so soft, so clear the skin,
a sight that makes me shiver
my heart beats wild, my heart beats loud
hit by a stroke with open mouth,
speechless with soft knees
the load becomes as light as the clouds that travel.

But just the blink of an eye and she is out of the view
I'm paralized, can't budge, am like tangled to the ground.

Since then I come every day
hope to see her again
to meet her, to kiss her,
but I should have known...

Just that moment...(x3)

(Solo)

Just that moment...(x2).

-------------------------------------------------------

You wonder. You are curious. Why? Why does he put this on here?
Well I came to think. I thought of what I did and what I really wanted all the time and that I was foolish. Forgive me, for I did not know what I was doing.
Forgive me my lack of self-control, my awkwardness.
Forgive me for just watching you as you passed me like the wind.
You know what I mean.
And if you don't, then this message is probably not for you. Or you disappoint me.

+++All good things must come to an end.

+++Tja. SO isses halt.
Ich bin wieder aufm Markt, also Mädels, haltet euch ran bevor ne andere nen höheres Gebot abgibt!
(Was würde ich nur ohne unzerstörbares Selbstbewusstsein machen?)
Es passt schon. Am Ende ist es echt besser so.
Alles andere wäre Torheit gewesen.
Bis bald,
Grüße
Ich