Samstag, 28. Juni 2008


+++Well... I am home. No, wait. I am at the place, where I spent the first 17 years of my life. It doesnt feel "home" at all. It feels like waking up from a fever dream, still beeing totally disoriented from the fever...

The flight was, except for little distractions, an easy and boring event, only interesting thing was Eren, who made me laugh so much, that I had to cry.


Yeah. Thats it. Im gonna go get used to the environment now.

That was it and nothing more.

Donnerstag, 26. Juni 2008

+++Gentlemen, get on your marks!

+++Surprisingly I am able to eat right now. And I did eat, a lot. On the other hand I can not sleep. But that's allright, I want to sleep on the plane anyways and I can adjust easier to the other time zone that way!
It is freaking hot right now. And still, I will have to wear my parka and my boots tomorrow, just like on the way here, because there was no way I could possibly fit either one of them into my suitcases.

Things got wrapped up pretty quickly these days.
On wednesday there was this good-bye-party thing from church where everyone said how much I inspired them. Casey for example will learn German for my sake and started doing calligraphy, after seeing me do it.
And everyone asked me to come back some day, that made up pretty much for tuesday, I guess.
Today, or more yesterday, for it is after 12, we went to El Grecco, the restaurant where we ate the very first day to close the circle-sort of speak.

I wish I had a good book that I could read now to make me tired, but all my books are in suitcases and I am afraid to open them, because I dont know if I would be able to close them again. Also I can not really open them either... scary.

Anyhow, it is just 8h 30min until my plane leaves Milwaukee. Holy crap, that is just way too fast.
It all feels just like a fever-dream, somewhat real but with this terrifying element of weirdness, complete with the fast-forward thing going on.
Today was absolutely surreal. I felt like I just got here, like I was tired, because I just got off the plane. So odd.

Interesting thing is, that I made it to have contact to Scott again. Not much, not often, but he responds to stuff I write him again. That is a little victory, I guess.

How to go on with this blog though? My plan for now is that I will blog bilingual, once I am fluent in German again... well it's not like my German is horrible, but it doesn't satisfy me at this point.

Well guys, it's all been fun and games, until someone lost their German...

That was it and nothing more.

Dienstag, 24. Juni 2008

+++It's not like I am leaving or anything...

+++... wait. Yes, it is!
Hey, that's funny. You know, today is my birthday? You didn't? Doesn't matter. It's only my 18th, only the date that I turn into an official adult. But who gives a shit, right?

I invited a bunch of people to see me at applebee's and a big deal of em replied, that they would come. Matthew was the only one. Thanks, fuckers, for telling me so directly that I am not worth shit to you.
Well, at least I don't have to bother missing anyone.
Funny how people beg me, never to forget them. Okay, can do. But in that case I also wont forgive. Hypocrites.

That was it and nothing more

Montag, 23. Juni 2008


+++Im packed with emotions and I don't know what to do with them. My bags are packed and everything fits, even with my sloppy packing style. I am surprised.
Well not so much, because I am leaving a lot of stuff behind, which makes me wonder, why did I bring it in the first place?!
But that's nobodies fault. Mom.

Jason pisses me off a lot right now. He is just menstruating around, calling me a pussy, because I don't want to go streaking with him.
I think therefore I am not going to go to the bonfire tonight. Maybe I am just going to do something with someone else. Or just sleep. I could use that. I could use a lot of things. For example someone, who does not go on my nerves right now. Margaret is a clean-nazi right now. Keith is just not there and when he is he seems kinda... distant, Abigail is just getting the first boosts of pubertic-testosterone and has her issues...

I have now spent half-day in bed. Right now I don't have any reason to change anything about it. Well I probably should shower, last week-end I was unable to shave and I have to do that too.

Why I was unable to shave? That's easy.
We were down in Missouri with Keith's parents for their 50th anniversary. I was forbidden to have political or religious debates, for the simple reason that that would have caused a riot. I really had to bite my tongue, especially when it came to homosexuals or the war.
But hey, what do I know, I am just the foreigner. Just smile, nod and say "hey, how are you?", when they introduce you to someone. Yeah, I am 6'5''. Yeah, I speak English better than some native speakers. Yeah, we speek German in Germany. No, Hitler really is dead.

On the way back (10 hour drive) we passed towns, that had names, which alone were explanation why nobody wanted to live there. But we also passed towns like "Sparta" and "Salem" or huge rocks, that looked like remainders of ancient civilations, so old that no man would recognize, that intelligent beeings could have build them.

The elder ones have been here, with their cone-shaped bodies and their claws and their clicking noises...

Well thats about it.
I am going on my own nerves right now. I need someone to talk to that is not myself and does not annoy me.

This was it and nothing more

Mittwoch, 18. Juni 2008


I will arrive on June 28 10:35 AM at the Hanover airport. Whoever wants to welcome me and see me half-dead sinking into the arms of my beloved home-country, may do so. I expect a lot of people, but would not be too disappointed if no one came. Well at least my family should be there, otherwise I'd be F*ed.

See you then!

Dienstag, 17. Juni 2008

+++Im spooked.

+++My head is aching. My stomache is revolving. I feel dizzy. You wonder why? You want to know why? I got a letter from YFU. Travel information and my tickets. It's official. I'm leaving.
I'm leaving everything behind. Dang, that's just... woah. I've just read through it, bringing up memories from my flight here up. Ugh. I feel horrible. All that excitement kills me, just like at that weird Thursday that was determined to change my life forever. Was it a thursday? Yes, I remember it was. I remember so much, like how I was trying to throw up in Heeßel, but couldn't, or how nervous everyone was. I was so pale. And I remember chocolate. Lots of it. I ate it all on the transatlantic flight, because I had been unable to eat. Hopefully this time it wont be as bad.

But still, I'm spooked.

Sonntag, 15. Juni 2008

+++Indestructible Opiate

+++Well today yesterday friday I went to Best Buy and bought two albums. Indestructible by Disturbed and Opiate by Tool, completing my Tool collection.

Indestructible begins pretty nice with sirens and gunfire, followed by hard riffs and drums, the singer apparently made some progress, he doesnt sound the same. But after listening through it I have to say: it is ten thousand fists 2.
Nothing new and all songs sound the same. Bleh.

Opiate on the other hand is very funny. Even though there are only few songs on it it is just very amusing to hear what Tool started up with. It is more straight to your face metal with clear understood messages. Nice! I like!

Thats about it. I'm very busy beeing on stage lately for Vacation Bible School. Yeah, laugh at me, uuuh, I am doing something christian. Whatever, I just want to be on stage again and bath in cheers and claps and feel the incredible amount of adrenaline!


Dienstag, 10. Juni 2008

+++Out of words.

+++Wow. I am sitting here with so many tears stuffed in my skull that it is about to burst. I would love to crack open my ribcage and rip out my heart, that is now swollen with emotions, so overwhelming, that I can't even find a word for it.
Where to start? Where to begin?
Ouf... I'm gonna try it with a song first.
Here you go.

Can't embed it. Just go to the page.
Okay. Today was graduation. I got a certificate of completion, since I am not a senior. It was just like you see it in the movies, people with squared hats, throwing them high, bands, certificates, gratulations... etc.
After all the exchange students (including myself) were honored as well, just for beeing there. Wow. However, at the end of the ceremony we went to the gym, in which there was a buffet.
I said good bye. I hate doing that. I have been an emotional bulldozer. Shit. I wont see most of those people EVER again.
This feeling absolutely kills me.
I could cry.
I should cry.

By the way, the Marilyn Manson autobiography is absolutely awesome. As offensive as his songs but funny and interesting. Great prose.

Samstag, 7. Juni 2008


+++I must say, Tornado sirens do sound cool. Lately Wisconsin shows me all it's got. Rain, Thunder, Tornado-Warnings.
And it looks amazing. Just check this out:

Yeah. Woow!
And school's almost over now. That makes me happy. Tomorrow I wanna go to Pridefest. That will rule!

Montag, 2. Juni 2008

+++Epic Fail!

part one
part two


Sonntag, 1. Juni 2008

+++Arbitrary Reasoning

+++Today I made a mistake. A very bad one. I argued with two boys, who are about to join the army, to "defend their country" about the justification of the Iraq war and about the possibility, that 9/11 could have been an inside job.
Never, Never EVER do that, when you are in America. Blind, ignorant fanatics.

This brought me to some solutions.
First of all: there is no truth. There are circumstances, wrapped in words, that can mean anything at any time, regarding rethorics, lies and personal interpretation.
Basically no one ever tells the truth but no one ever lies, because in the end words are nothing but a vibration of air molecules caused by your throat. Lies are a matter of definition and so is truth.
All that matters is the meaning, but as I stated earlier, no one but the speaking person can really tell the true meaning. Everything else is interpretation.

Second of all: There is no reasoning in mankind.
Arbitrary reasoning, decisions, made up from things we heard from... someone. Somewhere. Reliable sources, you know? That one guy told me. Forgot his name. His face. His words.
Religious people take a book and justify things with it that it never said and ignore parts it DID say because they are inconveniant. In the end it is not a reliable source, right? It's written by men. But it's god's word, right?
Basing god on the bible and the bible on god but still not believing it fully and not taking it literary makes it unreliable and therefore unbelievable. Hypocrites.
Religion is not a flea market. You want a little more of this? Yes, of course, but without rules, please.
Leave the onions out.
But to get back to my poitn: there is no reasoning in mankind. We are animals. Nothing but animals.
Eat, drink, fuck, shit, sleep, repeat. Every generation says, that the following one is worse than the one before, just because they recognize their own childhood in the new generation.
Shit, someone is doing the same mistakes. Let us pretend we never did that and tell them, how awful they are for doing this.
Bunch of crap.

Third of all: This generation should be the last. Let's just sterilize every single one of us. Don't make any exceptions.
We're screwed anyways, so why bother having children anyways? More fun, more sex, more food, more drugs, more rock'n'roll. In your face, today with money back guarantee!
This generation is not even responsible enough for EVER having children. Still they breed like rabbits, because of their lack of responsibility.
Wait, let me take back what I said about how the last generation always hates the next one. This time it is allright. This generation sucks. A lot.

Fourth of all: There never was an age of reasoning. Otherwise there would be no religion today anymore or the existence of some sort of god would have been proven by now.
Yeah, we can identify the genes of a women now. Hooray. We can go to moon and mars. Big deal.
But still when someone sees a meteor falling from the sky they freak out and say it's god or a UFO or some other crap like that.
Religion is opiate for the people, something to hold on to because we ourselves feel too weak and to small to archieve things on our own.
Atheists still don't get struck by lightning, can live a happy life. Funny thing.
But I am not demonizing religion. Actually really not.
Why not? Well if it wasnt for religion this species would have already completly died out.
Why? Well I mentioned it earlier.

By the way, the next band I join shall be called "Arbitrary Resoning". Because it sounds cool and has a very nifty meaning to it.